I’m moving everything to Blogspot  WordPress isn’t that great.

              The Birds went out West and stomped all over the Niners nuts, Trent Cole  style.  Three touches for Westy.  Reggie Brown caught 5 passes for a buck-oh-six.  Mike Patterson’s heart almost exploded on a confusing goal line fumble return, the longest in Birds history.  Big 5 went 18-33 for almost three hundo.  The game itself was actually pretty boring, but Andy Reid was true to form, letting the Niners claw their way back into the game.  Way to go, Big Red.

Elsewhere around the NFL:

Chris Simms ruptured his spleen and had it removed.  Apparently the spleen is pretty close to the anus.

Jake Plummer, somehow, still owns the Patriots.  That hurts.

The Giants got molested by the Seahawks, giving sole possession of first place to the Eagles.  Jeremy Shockey pulled a Jeremy Shockey by calling out Tom Coughlin.

Mark Brunell completed 22 straight “passes” for the single game NFL record.  Each one was for about a sixth of a yard.

Chad Johnson still hasn’t found Hugh. 

The Saints play the Falcons tonight, the grand re-opening of the Superdome.  I’m really pulling for the Saints in this one, not so much because it’s a heartwarming story, but more because I really fucking hate the Falcons.

(Author’s Note:  I don’t have time to proof this entry right now.  So, if there are any typos or anything, just, you know, shut up).

1993.  Remember what you were doing 1993?  I was in the sixth grade, getting ready to make my confirmation.  All jazzed up about notching all those sacraments.  Baptism.  Check.  First Communion.  Check.  First Confession.  Check.  I was a fucking Catholic machine.

Now I don’t go to church anymore.

But, perhaps more importantly (and certainly more blasphemic), 1993 was the last year the Phils made it to the playoffs. 

The Broad Street Bellies.  Those guys were endearing.  But, to be sure, they were a pretty fucked up group.  Lenny Dykstra wrapping his corvette around a tree after Krukker’s bachelor party.  Darren Daulton (who can now travel through time) beating the shit out of his Hooters girlfriend.  Good times.

Now, the new Phightin’ Phils, while longer on youth and decidedly shorter on dirt, are taking the NL Wild Card race by storm.  Abreu?  Gone.  Bell?  Gone.  Fatass Lidle?  Gone.  Ryan Franklin?  Gone.  Ugueth Urbina?  Rotting in a Venezuelan jail for drunkenly lighting dudes on fire and chopping them up with machetes, but still gone.  And yet, they didn’t fall apart.  Ryan Howard picked this team up and put them on his substantial back and said “Come on, Motherfuckers.  Jump on.  It’s much easier to carry you without Fatass Lidle here.”  And that’s what they did.

To be fair, it’s not just Rhyno.  The pitching has come around.  King Cole is turning into a true ace.  Brett Myers (No, I’m not going to.  I’m not that lowbrow, now) struck out 12 Cubs last night.  And the best defensive addition to this team?  Abraham Fucking Nunez.  And to think, he rode the pine behind David Bell?  Way to go, Charlie.  This guy is a Hoover on the hot corner.  But where’s his fan group?  Honest Abes?  Abe’s Babes? I just thought of two good ones in two seconds.  Get on it!

We just might see some October baseball in these parts.  And while Philly is, and always will be a football town first (and hockey town second, even), this is the perfect time to get the city back into the game.  It’s all on you 2005 Phillies.

It’s up to you to save baseball in Philadelphia. 

 Ok, this clearly isn’t the Birds secondary.  I actually have no idea who it is just like most of us have no idea who Joselio Hanson is.  And admit it.  If Dex Wynn or Joselio were in this photo, you wouldn’t be able to pick them out.

This is the state of the Eagles secondary.  M. Lew can’t cover or fall on fumbles on the 5.  Sheldon Brown is getting increasingly prone to brain farts.  Lito is out indefinitely.  Rod Hood is out (ever think you’d miss Rod Hood?).  Ol’ Skeletor, Jim Johnson, is gonna have a hell of a time in his nickel and dime packages. 

So what do we do?  We pick up a white CB.  Dustin Fox.  Name me one good white CB ever.  How about just a white DB?  And Adam Archuleta, Jason Sehorn and John Lynch aren’t any good.  John Lynch is a star cause he’s “throwback” (whatever the fuck that means), Sehorn was a star because he married that smokeshow from Law & Order and Adam Archuleta is a star for the same reason Dane Cook is a zillionaire:  Because God is cruel and spiteful.

We might as well call up Izel Jenkins.  I’m pretty sure he’s not gainfully employed right now.  How about Blaine Bishop?  DeAuntae Brown, anyone?  Anyone?

It’s going to be tough for Pierce to find the guy responsible for his injury though since it was tight end Steven Spach and The Spachster was cut before the regular season.  Maybe he can walk across the street to Chickie’s and Pete’s.  Dollars to donuts that’s where Spach is currently employed.

More bulletin board material:

The NY Post reports:

Sure, Donovan McNabb is a quality quarterback, experienced, tough and talented. But the Giants are aware he’s not Peyton Manning, and for that they’re grateful.

“Donovan McNabb hasn’t been throwing to any of his receivers for as many years as Marvin Harrison and even Reggie Wayne have been working with Peyton Manning. It’s a different dynamic.”

Not to be a homer or anything, but I’m pretty confident that the Birds don’t need any more motivation going into the game Sunday. 

What a game for the home opener.  Strahan v. Runyan, one of the most underrated player rivalries in the NFL.  Stallworth totally exploiting the Giants undersized secondary.  The front seven destroying Eli, Jerome McDougle style.  Coughlin’s exasperated look.  The fans at the Linc going batshit.  The return of Eagles dominance.  Get ya popcorn ready.

The best commercial ever to feature a Philadelphia sports icon since Mike Quick shilling for Herr’s.  This shit is off the meatrack.

Ed Note: The video is not loading on my main page so I’m not sure if it’s an error on my side or in the embedding of the video. Trying to fix it. Take my word for it though. It slays.

Watched ESPN’s Monday Night Football Premier and….it was pretty shitty.  Constant shots of Tom Cruise’s crazy ass sitting next to Dan Snyder’s incredibly smug, punchable face.  Tony Kornheiser making obscure jokes and making me uncomfortable in the process.  Mike Tirico trying with all of his might to hold the entire trainwreck together.  And Theisman.  Man, do I hate Theisman.  Talk about pure and unabashed homerism.  Hey, JT, no matter how may times you try to convince America, we all know Snyder overpaid Antwan Randle El because he has no clue how to run a football team.  And Sean Taylor is a dirtball.  As much as you want to call him a “competitor” and an “incredible athlete,” it is widely known that Sean Taylor:

1. was caught tearing down a Fairfax County road completely obliterated on Vodka Cranberries after Rod Gardner’s birthday party and;
2. was arrested for armed assault against a person he thought stole his ATV.  He copped a plea to make that little headache disappear and;
3. went to “da U.”

So Kornheiser had a point when he asked if Sean Taylor’s reputation sometimes makes the refs a little hasty in reaching for their laundry when he’s involved in a play.  And by reputation, he meant the fact that he is known as a total shitbag.

I never thought I’d long for the days of Paul McGuire and Mike Patrick.  But I do.  Know why?  Because those two actually compete with Theisman for the most atrocious commentators in sports, thus making Theisman not look so bad and, in turn, almost bearable.  But between Tirico and Kornheiser,  his shittiness is really taken to a new level. An American institution is now tarnished thanks to Theisman’s verbal diarrhea.

The Eagles came out flat, until Donte Stallworth decided to light up the Texans and Donny Mac realized he was, in fact, an elite QB.  Westbrook was amazing, as usual.  The defense looked stout, sacking David Carr (shocker) 5 times though Sheldon Brown had an Izel Jenkins moment there for a second.  Mario Williams was a complete non-factor and the Texans rushed for slightly more than 70 yards.  Probably should have gone with Reggie Bush, eh Kubiak? 

The Birds banged out an important 24-10 win and now remain in their rightful place, perched all alone at the top of the NFC East.

Elsewhere around the league:

Apparently Eli and Peyton Manning played each other on Sunday Night Football.  It wasn’t really advertised all that much so I’m not sure if you noticed.  In fact, I thought about calling it the Manning Bowl, or maybe the Brother Ball, or maybe Manning v. Manning but the networks wouldn’t get back to me.  I hope those suits came up with something at least half as clever as that.

The Redskins BLOW.  I was happy for Brad Childress and Billy McMullen.  He finally helped out the Eagles, though in an atrocious purple uniform.

Drew Bledsoe blows about as much as the Redskins.  3 picks?  Time to trade in the Robo for a Romo.

Trent Green got absolutely ruined by Robert Geathers.  Though Green and Geathers went down at about the same time, the Chiefs are lobbying the NFL for a review.  Sad thing is, even if the hit is deemed illegal, that’s the most respectable thing a Bengal has done the past few months.

Michael Vick is STILL being fellated by the talking heads.  10-22 of 140 yards?  Truly an elite QB. 

Speaking of pundit fellatio, can all you clowns get off your knees now that Carolina and Dallas got exposed? I’m talking to you, ESPN.

Apparently Tom Jackson called Michael Irvin a retard.  Pot/kettle there, TJ.

 Jake Plummer looks like Jake the Mistake again.

Sean Salisbury got a haircut.  He still makes absolutely no fucking sense when he talks.

Wiz Wits:

Joe, our resident Sixers expert, thinks Matt McCoy is going to screw the Birds with a costly personal foul at some point this season.  Jason Short now has competition for biggest maniac on the team.

Penn State got the Graterford treatment from Notre Dame.  That game was painful.

The Phils are sluggish, going 5-6 in their last 11.  The starting pitching has been so-so and the bullpen absolutely horrid.  Arthur Rhodes, while I appreciate him calling Corey Lidle a fat ass, just sucks.  The hitting with RISP, as usual, has been shitty.  Ryan Howard is still super human though.  MVP!

P.S.  The Graterford thing was a rape joke.